The Problem with Catering to Self

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It is the 4th of July weekend. I had yesterday, Friday, off from work. I had it all planned out in my mind what I was going to do just for me because having a 3rd day to add to the weekend equals me being able to come up with activities that I don't normally have time to do. I don't have nearly as taxing a schedule as many women, but I do keep busy on my days off.

So I planned to do the following: get up early and go sit in a Starbucks, Borders café, or Barnes & Noble café and drink a specialty coffee drink while browsing magazines and books I had no intention of purchasing. This is my idea of a great time! After that I figured I would get some errands done and maybe do a little sewing. No biggie.

I ended up getting to a café at about 11:30 a.m. (not the 8:30 or 9:00 I had planned on) after I had wasted 3 hours on the Internet and picking out the perfect outfit for being idle and looking cool. I ordered my drink (and cookie) and then instead of sitting down, I wandered aimlessly around the displays looking for the perfect purchase to validate my time since the day was slipping away and I had to come away with at least a bookmark or a blank journal to bring home.

I bought a few things for myself I didn't need and spent too much time inside while I kept saying to myself, gosh, it's so nice out today! I obviously wasn't taking my own hint and kept going in store after store, looking for something I couldn't find. I could have left to take a refreshing walk in the park where I could have taken time to focus on my priorities and just enjoy being in nature. Now that would have been worth it!

By 3:30 p.m. I was back home and the house was still the mess I left it in, of course. The pile of reject clothes that didn't work for today's outing sat in a heap on the bed and clothes hangers were lying everywhere. Matt would be home in about an hour and, the way I was going, I definitely wouldn't have dinner ready for him. I was really disappointed in all the time I had wasted trying to catch a feeling that didn't really exist. The alluring thought of romantically sitting in a bookstore café was just that-a romantic idea. It's like Meg Ryan sitting in a café window in You've Got Mail reading Pride & Prejudice. That's a beautiful scene that looks restful and romantic, but it's not what I need right now.

I call this "grass-is-greener," self-catering technique chasing the wind. I guess I am trying to say I feel that there are more important, gratifying tasks to be done for other people's benefit, like my husband's, which yield 100x the results than sitting on my butt in a café chair nursing a 500-calorie caramel frappucino does.

By the time he got home I was in a real funk because I hadn't been doing anything productive and I knew it. I am a person who is very hard on myself, but has to be because I have a stubborn spirit. I had squandered the precious day away that I had so been looking forward to. My plans backfired! In my opinion, plans to cater to self always sound great in the inventor's head, but when applied to real life, they never seem to live up to par or deliver the joy and freedom they promise.

Fast-forward to today: I lazed about feeling an "un-productiveness hangover" from yesterday; I indulged myself even more today and am paying for it. I am bickering with my husband over stupid things, and eating poorly to satisfy cravings that are really my body asking to be treated right. If I had just taken it one step at a time and checked-off the tasks that needed to be done versus my elaborate schemes that would supposedly lead to a self-satisfying day, I would have felt a sense of accomplishment and have gotten chores out of the way for the rest of the weekend.

But I am human and fail over and over again. It is all learning through mistakes so I can grow. As of 6:22 p.m. today, Saturday, July 04, 2009 I have decided to turn this weekend around and get to work! No more moping around the house wasting time. I am going to get this place cleaned up, cook dinner for my husband and I and relax with a good book and a cup of chamomile tea.

Mmm...homemade veggie soup. So much better than 'Bux!

The End.